newsletter 2017 may 13I’m not big on holidays. It’s enough that there are certain days in the year when we need to buy gifts and be nice to our families. So why are there people who always want to add more holidays to our calendar? And such bizarre ones?

May the fourth, someone has decided, is Star Wars Day. You know: “May the fourth be with you.” (As in: “May the force be…”)

Now, I for one won’t be celebrating this holiday, however it is that one is supposed to celebrate. But it did get me thinking about how many fantasy characters and superheroes have powers connected to their eyes. Just look at the guy from X-Men who wears sunglasses all the time because he deep-fries people if he looks directly at them.

Sounds like a useful skill to have in the kitchen. (Who needs a microwave?) But if you’re an eyecare professional, it’s more like a case of super-severe conjunctivitis. I wouldn’t even know where to start treating that.

Now Superman has X-ray vision and he can shoot lasers from his eyes. Those are two very different superpowers – or liabilities, depending on how you choose to look at it. I know that schoolboys the world over wish they were Superman, just so they can use X-ray vision to see girls’ underwear.

I mean, Superman has the advantage of being able to give a free MRI to everyone he knows. The problem is he can’t turn off his X-ray vision. So he sees through things even when he doesn’t want to. Try surprising him with a gift. No chance… he’ll know what it is before he’s even opened it.

But hey, he’s all set for a career in radiology if saving the world doesn’t work out for him in the longterm. Then again, by the time he hits superhero retirement age, he could have developed cataracts. So no more X-ray vision for him. I just hope his Superhero Pension Plan is paid up, just in case.

Shooting lasers from his eyes? Well, I guess it has its uses. It can take care of bad guys, destroy enemy aircraft, and open baked beans without needing a can opener. But I just hope he knows how to control that power. Can you imagine how many pairs of glasses he’d ruin if he couldn’t control his laser eyes? And we all know how important glasses are for Superman. Once he puts them on, nobody ever guesses that he’s anything other than good old Clark Kent. Now that’s what I call a pair of glasses with superpowers.

While we’re on the subject of fantasy characters, what is it about pirates and eye patches? Are we meant to believe that every pirate has some sort of condition in one eye? Or only has one eye?

But hey, I’m just a grumpy old pair of glasses. So who am I to ruin all the fun?